Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day: The Princess And The Pirate

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day! Today is a day to celebrate talking like a pirate. So argghh and avast ye mateys, before I make ye walk the plank, I gots a very special treat in store; the first scene from the first draft to a pirate play I started writing last January and kind of put on the back burner for awhile.

I’d love to know what you think of The Princess And The Pirate

 ACT I                                   

                                   Scene 1                                 

                    At rise, we join a play already in progress.           
                    overly dramatic music swells.  Princess Appleseed      
                    is tied to mast of a pirate ship! Long John Silver     
                    is leering at her lecherously.  The Sprouts (Baby      
                    Carrot, Baby Spinach, Baby Asparagus(?)) are           
                    crouched behind the Princess in obvious fright.        
                    The Cheeseballs (Ronald, Wendy, R.B., Tim Horton,      
                    and the Johns [Papa and Taco]) are behind Silver       
                    shaking their swords menacingly.  OH NO! What is       
                    going to happen to our lovely Princess?                

                    This is supposed to be a very dramatic scene, but      
                    everyone is flat, without enthusiasm or energy.        
                    Basically, it’s the worst rehearsal you’ve ever        
                    been in.  Everyone is dressed in Victorian style       
                    pirate wear.  Eye patches, parrots, big flowing        
                    skirts with miles and miles of petticoats.  None       
                    of this however is helping with the acting.            

          PRINCESS APPLESEED                                               
                         (overly dramatic, think the worst                 
                         Shakespeare actor you’ve ever seen who            
                         thinks they are good)                             
               Oh no!, whoever shall rescue me                             

               Oh if only Captain Protein was here.  he’d rescue us.       

          LONG JOHN SILVER                                                 
                         (Stereotypical bad pirate here)                   
               Arggh, shut yer pie holes ye blasted do gooders. Now        
               mateys, we have captured the lovely Princess Appleseed      
               and her sproutlings, what shall we do with them?            

               Wrap them in bacon!                                         

               Dip them batter!                                            

               Fry them in grease!                                         

          TIM HORTON                                                       
                         (stepping in and speaking over Papa               
               And serve ’em with gravy eh!                                

                    Beat as everyone pauses and looks at Tim.              

          CONTINUED:                                              2.       

          TIM HORTON                                                       
               What? I’m Canadian eh, we serve just aboot everything       
               with gravy.                                                 

          PAPA JOHN                                                        
                         (pauses as he thinks about how to answer          
                         this, as if searching for the lines)              
               We’re American                                              

          TACO JOHN                                                        
               and we’ll DIP THEM IN RANCH!                                

                    This is the most enthusiasm shown so far.  Papa        
                    John, realizing their on to something begins to        

          THE JOHNS                                                        
                         (Papa and Taco)                                   
               USA! USA! USA!                                              

                    They begin to encourage the rest of the cast mates     
                    to do the same and the audience as well.  Papa         
                    looks to Taco and as if by symbiosis, change up        
                    their chant.                                           

          THE JOHNS                                                        
               DIP IN RANCH! DIP IN RANCH! DIP IN RANCH!                   

                    This should come across and feel very natural.  As     
                    if the actors are making this up on the spot. That     
                    they’ve forgotten their lines and have decided,        
                    with much enthusiasm, to ad-lib their lines.           

          PRINCESS APPLESEED                                               
                         (stage whisper)                                   
               would you two shut up!                                      
                         (back to overly dramatic, very bad                
                         Shakespeare style acting)                         
               Oh No! Alas who shall ever save Princess Appleseed and      
               her sprouts from being...                                   
                         (long beat)                                       

                    There is a trumpet fanfare and out leaps...CAPTAIN     
                    PROTEIN.  For some strange reason we have been         
                    joined by a SUPERHERO!  Shorts over tights.            
                    Tennis shoes and a short sleeved tee shirt over a      
                    long sleeved tee shirt along with a black domino       
                    mask complete the ensemble.  A pair of chicken         
                    drumsticks make his nunchuck weapon.  It is, by        
                    far, the worst superhero costume known to man.         

          CONTINUED:                                              3.       

          CAPTAIN PROTEIN                                                  
                         (in the worst British accent this side            
                         of Keanu Reeves in Dracula)                       
               I shall save you Princess Appleseed.  You and Your          

               OUR HERO!                                                   

          LONG JOHN SILVER                                                 
               Not by the seeds of my hamburger bun.  Stop him boys!       

                    What follows is the worst fight scene known to         
                    man.  This should make the 1960s Batman TV show        
                    look like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.  Missed      
                    punches that send pirates flying left and right.       
                    Kicks that make no sense.  Captain Protein is even     
                    shouting "Pow" "Swat" "Smack" "Pop", etc. as he is     
                    hitting the pirate crew ala 1960s Batman TV show.      

          CAPTAIN PROTEIN                                                  
               It’s just you and me now Silver                             

          LONG JOHN SILVER                                                 
               To the DEATH!                                               

          CAPTAIN PROTEIN                                                  
               No! To Your Health!                                         

                    The two begin to fight and this fight is even          
                    worse then the previous one.  Again this should be     
                    the worst stage fight anyone has ever seen in          
                    their life.  Overly dramatic and makes no sense.       
                    But finally, Captain Protein defeats Long John         
                    Silver, and unties Princess Appleseed.  The            
                    sprouts cheer and Protein tries to embrace             
                    Appleseed, but she isn’t having any of it and does     
                    the quickest side hug she can.

I’d love to hear your thoughts so leave them in the comment section below, this is meant to be a very broad, very over the top production for children to perform and for children in the audience.

And keep checking back later today for Wednesdays With Will and the 1983 BBC version of Pericles, Prince of Tyre (A Shakespeare play that, yes, features pirates)

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